Ghosts 'N Goblins (NES)

Because I mentioned these games in my last post and they brought back horrific memories, I just had to do a write up on them. Technically I've already played a couple of them, but I actually haven't played the home version of Ghosts 'N Goblins before -- the arcade game and Super Ghouls 'N Ghosts was enough to convince me to never go back and try. However, for the sake of academic research, I decided to give it a whirl.

Within minutes of playing and dying (at Firebrand's hand, no less) I was saying to myself, "Are you freaking serious?"

Unfortunately, yes. Ghosts 'N Goblins is very serious. For anyone who is blessed enough to have never heard of these games, the basic premise is that you are a valiant knight, and your lady got stolen by Satan. Thus begins an epic quest through graveyards and I assume other scary places, since I've never actually gotten past the first damn level to see any of the others.

Anyway, like Gargoyle's Quest, the game is very much Castlevania-style fare, although Castlevania (usually) doesn't make me want to destroy my TV. The graphics are godawful and so is the sound, but I'll give it some credit and admit the music manages to at least be somewhat catchy. (Because I love the NES and retro gaming in general, I'm always gentle with graphics and sound in games from that era. But because I hate everything about Ghosts 'N Goblins, I don't feel like paying it the same courtesy.)

Even though it's funny at first to see Arthur in his boxers after an enemy destroys his armor, it quickly gets old because you see it all the time. Two hits and you're dead, which may not seem too bad if there weren't parts in the game where you can die even with all your armor on. Ghosts 'N Goblins is also Capcom's absolute worst (best?) when it comes to regenerating enemies, so two hits get taken care of pretty quickly.

And here's the greatest thing about it: you can replace your armor, but this is only accomplished by jumping up on a hidden spot in the levels. Yes, that's right. You have to magically intuit which random area in the level will summon a pot with new armor when you jump. In Super Ghouls 'N Ghosts, this pot (which is actually a treasure chest) doesn't even have armor in it 100% of the time. On some occasions, a sorcerer will pop out and turn you into a baby, or god forbid, a woman. So the one thing that can possibly be your saving grace in this nightmarish game is also capable of killing you, just like everything else.

However, perhaps the all-time awesome part of Ghosts 'N Goblins is the ending. After you beat Satan and rescue your princess, it pulls a Mario on you, except it tells you that the entire game so far has been an illusion, and now you have to replay it on harder difficulty.

...Yeah. 'Nuff said.

Arcade version of the "Haha, suffer more" screen.
Arcade version of the actual ending, featuring Engrish.
Screenshot of the very first level on the NES. Note that there are five enemies on screen at once.